I wish my penis had an off switch
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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