OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
