You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
