Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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