I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
