Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
