Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
