Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
