sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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