I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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