Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
