Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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