I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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