I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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