So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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