Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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