Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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