it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
