All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
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If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
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He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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