had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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