I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
