left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
