We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
