i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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