All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
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She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
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The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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