i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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