Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize