I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
