That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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