i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
