I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
