He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
