Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
