party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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