I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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