Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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