I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
