By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
