and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
