Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
