Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
