She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
