My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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