She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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