I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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