You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
