I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
