he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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