I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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