I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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