Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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