i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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