I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
