All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
